


Of Trees and Logs and Terrible Innuendo

by TheArtStudentYouHate



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Bad Jokes, Blow Jobs, Bottom Mycroft Holmes, M/M, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Top Greg Lestrade, tree removal Greg au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-30
Updated: 2019-06-30
Packaged: 2020-05-31 06:49:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19420687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheArtStudentYouHate/pseuds/TheArtStudentYouHate
Summary: One of Mycroft's trees was struck by lightning two days ago... which means that Greg Lestrade comes over to help him with all of that heavy wood.





	Of Trees and Logs and Terrible Innuendo

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bakerstbois](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bakerstbois/gifts).



> Did I... did I write porn??????? It seems like I did. potentiallyAWKWARD posted a tweet yesterday of a truck that advertised RP TREE REMOVAL with the caption "sounds boring but ok." To which I said "Oh contraire, mon frere." And reminded them of all of the terrible jokes to be made. And they said write it. So I did. And now you all have to deal with it. Thank you to Janto321 for reading it over and editing.

Mycroft was looking out of his living room window to enjoy the lovely day. He wasn’t spying on the poor workers out in his yard removing the remains of the unfortunate tree that had been struck by lightning two days ago. Or if he was watching (again, not spying), he was merely making sure that they were doing their jobs correctly. It’s so difficult to find good work these days. Of course it’s not really. The internet allows you to find a multitude of experienced workers and for you to check their reviews, but one always likes to make sure. 

What he absolutely wasn’t doing was watching the muscular, strapping, silver-haired man that was in charge of the operation. Greg Lestrade was his name… if he cared to remember. Which he didn’t. 

Mycroft wouldn’t usually be overseeing workers like this. Normally he’d leave this up to Mrs. Duckworth, his gardener, but she was away sick. And missing this view. He gripped the curtain a bit tighter as Lestrade took a sip of water before pouring some over his hair. 

Lestrade had actually looked a bit surprised when faced with Mycroft Holmes. Apparently they had worked on his land a number of times, but had always dealt with Mrs. Duckworth, who while she may always be complaining about getting older, apparently still had perfectly working eyes and knew what to do with them. Dear God. He was toweling off now. Mycroft gulped.

So maybe he was watching Greg as he revved up the chainsaw, but it was probably just the heat getting to him. Mycroft was much more of a winter or autumn sort of person. The heat always did funny things to his head. And what else was he supposed to do? It was one of the rare times that Mycroft didn’t have any work going on. Hnnng… That tree didn’t stand a chance. Not against arms like those.

It was a bit of a shame really. Mycroft had always rather liked that tree. It had an elegant shape to it and shaded the window nicely. But sometimes sacrifices must be made, he supposed. Especially when it involved Greg setting down the chainsaw, taking off his shirt, and using it to mop his brow. Oh, wow. He really was quite tanned. He must get quite a bit of sun. Mycroft wondered if he could use some sunscreen. Which lead to him picturing him squirting creamy, white sunscreen all over Greg’s back and then massaging it in and oh god. Was the air conditioner working? It didn’t seem like it. 

It was then that Greg happened to look over and catch Mycroft’s eye. Panicking, he jumped behind the curtain. He waited a moment before poking his head around to see if he was still looking. HE WAS… AND HE WINKED! Whattodowhattodowhattodo? He could pull himself together, put on his business face, and go get a large glass of ice water. Or… it had been awhile. When was the last time he… oh. Back in the Czech Republic. That was ages ago. Surely it couldn’t have been that long… no. No, it had been that long. Making his decision quickly, Mycroft cocked his eyebrow and smirked. 

Greg took an extra second to look Mycroft up and down before nodding and turning back to his work with perhaps an extra swagger to his movements. 

Well, it appeared he was going to have a guest in a little while. Mycroft took one last look at Greg as he bent over to attach a chain around the stump, before turning to go prepare some lemonade and biscuits.

***

It was a few hours later that the doorbell rang. Mycroft set down the bottle of cologne he had just applied and went to answer it. 

“Hi.” Greg smiled brightly. “We’re basically finished up here and my team is getting ready to leave. I was wondering if you’d be interested in any of our extra services today.”

“Oh. How kind of you. Would you care for some lemonade. It’s rather hot out today,” Mycroft said, stepping aside to let him through. “I wouldn’t be holding up your team at all would I?”

“Thank you. That’s very kind of you.” Greg stepped in. “And no. You wouldn’t be. That’s one of the perks of being the boss. You can come in your own car and not have to ride with the rugrats all of the time.”

“Hmm. That is a nice perk.” He poured a glass of lemonade and handed it to Greg, before using the counter for support as he leaned against it and looked at Greg. “So. Please tell me what these extra services are.”

“Well,” Greg took a large gulp. “We can plant a new tree in the old spot if you’d like. Of course that does mean that we’d have to come back another day.” 

“Yes. That does sound like a good option.” He watched the other man as he finished his lemonade. “Any other extra services I should be aware of?”

Greg set his empty glass down on the counter before gripping the edge of it with both hands, caging Mycroft in. “I could fuck you over any surface of your choosing and make you come so hard you see stars.” 

At any other time, Mycroft would have come up with some witty retort, but he was quite desperate for it now if he was quite honest and so, just grabbed Greg by the back of his neck and pulled him in for a kiss. It was urgent and messy and full of teeth and tongues and god, it really had been far too long.

Mycroft straddled Greg’s thigh, rubbing up against the strong muscles as Greg removed his tie. “Oh, God. This is quite the extra service,” Mycroft panted as Greg started on his shirt buttons and moved down to his neck. “Is this a service you normally provide?”

“Not usually, no. But my job is removing wood, and it seems you have some right here that I could help you with.”

“That was a, unnngh, terrible joke.” Greg had gotten rid of Mycroft’s shirt and had his hand under his vest. 

“Yes, well, comes with the job.” He went back to kissing Mycroft’s lips. Whining, Mycroft pulled at the bottom of Greg’s shirt, trying to remove it again. “So. Have you decided yet?”

“Decided what?” Mycroft nibbled Greg’s earlobe. 

“What surface I’m going to fuck you over.” He ground his thigh against the bulge in mycroft’s trousers.

“Nnnng. I’ve supplies in my bedroom if that isn’t too formal.” 

“Lead the way.” Greg backed up just far enough to let him stand properly. Leaving the clothes that had been removed so far where they’d fallen, Mycroft took Greg’s hand and started in the direction of his bedroom.

“Nice place,” Greg said as they trekked through the halls.

“The bedroom’s nicer.” Mycroft picked up the pace.

Finally, they reached the bedroom and the door slammed shut behind them. Greg had Mycroft pressed up against the door, one leg wrapped around his hip so he could stand as close as possible. 

“You’re in the business of dealing with trees,” he said in between kisses.

“Normally.” An extra hard thrust of Greg’s hips knocked Mycroft’s backside into the door with a thud.

“It seems like there’s quite a large log here.”

Greg pulled up Mycroft’s other leg so that he was now supporting his weight and turned towards the bed. “That’s a terrible joke.”

“I do apologise. You must hear that all of the time.” He bounced once as he was thrown onto the bed.

“I do have one question though.” Greg began working on the buckle of Mycroft’s trousers. “All I ever got for a name was M. Holmes. What does the “M” stand for?” 

“Mycroft. Mycroft Holmes at your service.” 

“Much obliged.” Greg pulled off the trousers. “Well, Mycroft Holmes, would you like me to shove your cock in my mouth and suck you while I help prepare you for a rogering you won’t soon forget?”

“If it’s not too much trouble. The supplies are in that drawer there if you’d be so kind.” 

Greg smiled and kissed Mycroft once more before leaning over and pulling out a bottle of lube and condoms. “I’ve never seen you here while we’re working, Mycroft. Were you avoiding me or just busy before?” He scratched his fingers through Mycroft’s chest hair before plucking at his nipples. 

“I spend quite a bit of time at work. I’m a busy man, though I happened to have the day off today.”

“Well, aren’t I lucky.” He kissed his way down his abdomen and pulled down his pants.

“It rather feels like I’m the lucky one at the moment,” panted Mycroft.

Greg smirked and wrapped his hand around his cock. Mycroft ended up looking at the opposite wall, his head curled back in pleasure as a warm, wet tongue travelled from the base of his cock to the very tip. 

Mycroft looked back down his body and met Greg’s eyes as he licked around the head before slipping it past his lips.

“Oh, good Christ!” 

Greg’s eyes closed as he focused his mouth on the tip, stimulating the rest of the shaft with his hand. 

“It’s, mmmm, been awhile. I fear I, oh lord, won’t last long if you keep up with that.” 

Greg’s eyes flashed open and landed directly on Mycroft’s, who gasped softly and gripped the sheet beneath him. Without a word, Greg reached over and grabbed the lube, only taking his eyes off to open the top and squirt some onto his fingers. 

“You’ll tell me if I need to slow down or speed up, won’t you?”

“Yes. Gods. Yes. Just please hurry.” And with that, Greg ran a finger over Mycroft’s rim while taking the head of his cock back into his mouth. “Ohhhhh, Greg.” He bent his leg at the knee and lowered it to the side, giving Greg more room. 

Taking advantage of that, Greg slid his first finger in up to the first knuckle. “Awhile, huh?”

“Too long. Oh, god. Far, far too long. I hadn’t realised how badly I needed this.” 

“That’s a shame, Mycroft.” Greg slid his finger in deeper and continued working him with his hand. “I hate thinking you suffered. I could’ve helped much sooner if I’d’ve known.”

“Well you’re here now and that’s what, ohgodohgodohgod right there, what counts.” 

Greg took him back into his mouth and massaged his rim with his second finger before easing it in. 

“I think I’m about ready any time now.”

“Oh thank god, cause I am too.” They both chuckled. 

Standing up, Greg removed his jeans and pants and tore open the condom packet. Mycroft desperately hoped he would see Greg again as he now needed to know what that cock felt like coming down his throat. But that would have to wait as Greg rolled the condom on and squeezed the base of his cock.

“You ready for me, darlin’”

Mycroft reached out a hand for Greg and pulled him down for another kiss. Wrapping his leg around his waist, he pulled Greg close and angled himself to make this as easy as possible.

“Let me know if I need to slow down or anything.”

“Yes. Yes. Just please, Greg. I need your cock in me like I need air in my lungs.” Mycroft couldn’t ever remember being this desperate. He’d had great sex before. Fantastic sex, but god. There was something about this man that had him absolutely gagging for it. His eyes rolled back in his head and he pulled at Greg’s hair as the head of his cock eased in.

“Oh, christ, Mycroft. You just might kill me.” Greg’s eyes were closed and he bit at his lip, deeply. Mycroft merely whined in response.

When he felt Mycroft relax, Greg began rocking slowly, easing in little by little. 

“Oh, Greg. Don’t stop. Don’t stop.” Mycroft kissed and licked and nibbled along his shoulder, neck, cheek, and ear. Anywhere his mouth could reach.

“Never. I’m not stopping, Myc. I’m not stopping till you come all over yourself and can’t even remember your name.” 

“Uggggggghhhhhhhhh.” His head fell back against the bed. “More, Greg. Faster.”

Without a word, Greg picked up the pace, worried more about pace right now than depth. “How’s that, darlin’?”

“Fuck, Greg.” Mycroft pushed back onto Greg’s cock as it entered him and used a hand to clutch his arse closer to him.

Taking the hint, Greg drove in deeper. “Oh, shit! Right there. Don’t stop.” 

“Fuck, Myc!” Greg reached between them and took a hold of his cock, pulling him in time to his thrusts. 

“I’m going to… Oh, Gregory. I’m going to…” Mycroft’s body tensed as his cock released the first load of ejaculate over his torso before moaning deeply as the second, third, and fourth waves rolled over him.

“Shit, Myc. I…” Greg buried his head in Mycroft’s chest as he came deeply.

Finally, both of them panting, Greg eased out of Mycroft and rolled off to the side. 

“Holy gods, Myc.”

“Yes,” he gasped, “quite.”

Tieing off the condom, Greg dropped it in the rubbish bin next to the bed. “I don’t normally do that. With customers. You’re actually the first customer I’ve done that with… just so you don’t think I’m a complete slag or anything.”

Mycroft rolled over to face him and giggled. “I’ll probably still think you’re at least a bit of a slag, but that’s only because I acted like one myself. God, that was fantastic!”

“It was good, wasn’t it?” Greg rolled onto his side to face Mycroft.

“Absolutely marvelous. Please say we’ll do that again, sometime.”

“Oh yeah. Oh geez. For sure. Anytime. Wow.”

Mycroft pecked Greg on the lips.

“Just uh, I mean, you don’t have to or anything, just would you maybe fancy grabbing dinner or something sometime?” Greg didn’t quite meet his eyes, so bashful compared to the confident beast he was earlier.

“I’d love to.” He kissed him again. “Let me know when and I’ll have my assistant schedule you in.”

Greg smiled warmly and his eyes glittered with happiness. “Sounds great.” He wrapped his arm around Mycroft and pulled him close.

“And Greg.” Mycroft kissed him one more time simply because he could. “I really would like a new tree to go in that spot.” 

Greg smiled. “We can negotiate the payment over dinner.”

**Author's Note:**

> If you want to find me I'm theartstudentyouhate on tumblr or yourfavouritehufflepuff on twitter.


End file.
